Scoop The Poo Cam

We have two cats. Lucky and Osiris. Lucky's been around the block. She owns the house, and she knows it. No one in the house does anything without her blessing. She's the grizzled vet of the team, to use a sports analogy. You don't cross her, or you're getting a claw in the face.

Then there's Osiris. Osiris is...special. Not "Aww, isn't she cute special". More like "Ummm...do they make rubber helmets for cats?" special. She marches to her own drummer. A drummer that plays a drum made of some saran wrap, a rubber band, and a quaker oats container.

Osiris is also kinda skittish. During the day. You won't see her all day. Really. Then, at night...you can't get rid of her. You'll be laying in bed watching tv, just hanging out.

When you start to get sleepy, you'll see her appear at the foot of the bed, curled up into a cat ball.

You close your eyes for a few minutes. When you open them, she's near your waist. In the same little cat ball.

You fade off again, and when you wake up enough to turn off the light beside the bed, that cat ball is at your elbow. You've never felt her move. Once you wake up again to turn the TV off she's now on your chest. Her head is up...staring you directly in the eyes. Considering the multitude of ways she could kill you before you ever woke up.

Lucky's been fixed. When we first got her, we lived in a house with an unfixed male cat. It was prudent. Apollo, the dog, has been fixed. We were told it would calm him down. It worked, mostly.

We decided not to get Osiris fixed. We figured, since she's an indoor cat, and we don't have a male cat, we'd be good. No need.

That was a mistake. A cat in heat is the weirdest experience I've ever gotten to know. Firstly, they're in your face. Constantly. They walk around the house, their body lowered to the ground, but their ass WAY up in the air. She wants to get her business on. NOW. It is incredibly confusing for the poor dog. She sees the dog, and all she wants to do is get his cock roast in her lady oven. (See? She's special.)

The dog tries to help her out. As best he can. He thinks she's playing. Like dogs play. He'll fake-bite her neck, and jump all around her and stuff. No matter what he does, she just points her ass in his direction. Eventually he'll just stop and look at me with that "Seriously? I have no idea what to do here." look on his face.

I feel bad for him. As bad as I can feel for a dog that eats cat poop from the box and thinks heaven is finding a used baby diaper.

But it doesn't last long. Once he tires of the cat being all weird, he'll just leave. And then the siren starts. The cat sings "I want action, tonight...satisfaction, tonight". Except, to a cat in heat, the song goes like this:

AAARRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwrrrrrr rrrrrrrrrrrrrAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR.

For hours. Seriously.